Dating with a Dog Who Judges My Love Life (And He’s Usually Right)
Feb 25, 2026
Before Any Man Dates Me, He Must Pass the Sniff Test
There are many things I expected when I re-entered the dating world at my age.
Awkward first conversations? Yes.
Figuring out modern texting etiquette? Absolutely.
Remembering where I parked after a date? Occasionally.
What I did not expect was living under the supervision of a 16-year-old Sheltie who has apparently appointed himself Director of Homeland Security for my love life.
His name is Floyd.
And according to him, I am wildly underqualified to make romantic decisions without oversight.
Homeland Security Has Entered the Chat
Every time a man texts me, Floyd springs into action.
From a deep sleep — I mean coma-level sleep — he launches upright like he’s received a classified alert.
Phone buzzes.
Floyd appears.
He must smell the phone.
Immediately.
He presses his nose against it with intense concentration, as if decoding emotional fingerprints.
Then he looks at me.
Not lovingly.
Not curiously.
Judgmentally.
Floyd gives me a deep sigh.
Phone Call Surveillance
Phone calls are worse.
If I’m talking to a potential date, Floyd hovers nearby like an overprotective bodyguard who has seen things.
He stares.
He listens.
He shifts positions dramatically.
And because I communicate telepathically with animals, I can hear his running commentary — which he also shares with his sister, Milli.
Yes! There are internal staff meetings. 😂
They sound something like this:
“He laughs too loudly.”
“I don’t trust that energy.”
“Why is he calling at 9:47 PM? Suspicious.”
“Mother can do better.”
Meanwhile, I’m just trying to discuss favorite restaurants. 🤷♀️
The Sniff Test (Official Inspection Protocol)
Meeting Floyd in person is where things become serious.
Every man must pass the inspection.
There are no exceptions.
The process is simple:
- Strong, investigative sniff.
- Deep energetic evaluation.
- Walk away if disapproved.
- Dramatic Shake if they have pet him (No doubt of his disapproval)
No barking.
No drama.
Just quiet professional judgment.
Honestly, it’s more intimidating than a background check.
I have not told any of the men about this system.
I feel it’s best they remain unaware they are being evaluated by canine federal authorities.
The Incident
There was one man in particular.
On paper? Perfectly nice.
Conversation flowed. No obvious red flags.
But Floyd…
Would. Not. Settle.
He paced.
And paced.
And paced.
My housemate later told me he had been doing it the entire time I was out.
When I came home, Floyd conducted an extended interrogation sniff usually reserved for international travel.
His thoughts were loud and clear:
“Absolutely not.”
“Energy unstable.”
“We are monitoring this situation.”
At the time, I wasn’t sure what Floyd sensed.
Later… I understood.
Let’s just say Homeland Security had accurate intelligence.
Post-Date Debrief
Every date ends the same way.
I walk in the door.
Floyd meets me immediately.
Inspection begins.
He gathers emotional data, analyzes scent evidence, and determines whether I made wise life choices.
Sometimes he relaxes afterward, satisfied.
Sometimes he walks away slowly, clearly reconsidering his living arrangements.
Dating with Built-In Intuition
Here’s the funny part — and also the truth beneath the humor.
Animals read energy before we explain it away.
They don’t listen to charming words or polished profiles.
They respond to authenticity… or the lack of it.
And Floyd reminds me daily of something many women forget while dating:
Our intuition always knows first.
Sometimes it just arrives wearing fur.
Final Thoughts from Homeland Security
If Floyd could summarize my dating life, he’d probably say:
“Mom is sweet. Mom is too nice. Mom requires supervision.”
And honestly?
At this stage of life, I’m grateful for the extra security.
Because before anyone gets access to my heart…
They have to pass the sniff test.
If you’ve ever wondered what your own animal senses about the people and energy around you, you might be surprised how much they’re already communicating — we just have to learn how to listen.
(And yes… sometimes they have opinions.)
Curious what your animal senses about your world? Let's have a conversation with your pet!
